i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
