4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
