Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
PANTIES FOUND
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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