just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
