Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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