upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
high people should be assigned attendants
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
