If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
