I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
