we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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