Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
