K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
