I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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