Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
