i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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