I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
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