Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Found the puke drawer
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Boobs are out for the taking
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
