He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Randomize
