Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
