I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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