if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
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