his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Randomize
