wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
