White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
