You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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