20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
