I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
