first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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