I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
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i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
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hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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