Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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