When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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