Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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