She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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