I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
