she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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