we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Can I color on your dick again?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
