dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
