somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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