I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
