My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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