Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Randomize
