i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
Acid is not a monday night drug
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
