I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
