I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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