I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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