so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
