you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
