mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
