I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
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Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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