I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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