the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Randomize
