Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
