I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
