so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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