Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
