I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
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If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
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i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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